HIGHLANDER 5: THE SOURCE
ABRIDGED SCRIPT


NARRATOR
“Okay guys, listen up. I’m sure you all know the drill; there are Immortals, they can’t die unless another Immortal cuts their head off, otherwise they live forever and try to be the last survivor. Well, we’ve decided that as well as that, there’s going to be something called ‘The Source’. We don’t know what it is, the writers couldn’t be arsed to decide, but you all want to find it. Okay, clear?”

AUDIENCE
No.

NARRATOR
Tough. Okay, it’s now ten years in the future, and the world has turned into a violent place full of biker gangs, cannibals and so on….

AUDIENCE
In ten years? Society has went kaboom in a single decade? Are you smoking pot or something?

NARRATOR
Shut up and watch the film.

DUNCAN
I’m the Highlander, Duncan McLeod. We killed off the other one in the last film. Now watch as I crouch on rooftops wearing my long coat, all full of angst. Isn’t it cool?

In the streets below, there are lots of fires and gangs beat each other up for no apparent reason, simply because it makes the entire setting seem like a cheap attempt at future-noir.

DUNCAN
I am all full of angst because my wife, Anna, has left me. As a result, I follow her from a distance, which isn’t really stalker behaviour because the world has suddenly and for no apparent reason became a violent place.

Meanwhile, in a room full of computers and stuff

RICHIE
Ah, I’m getting some interesting data here…

PRODUCER
Oh, wait, he died in the TV series, didn’t he? Quick, change his name to ‘Reggie’.

REGGIE is sitting in a room full of computers and stuff. He’s totally different from RICHIE, but we still learn bugger all about him, and don’t even care.

REGGIE
Look! There’s a planetary alignment! This is important, because planetary alignments are very important in schlock sci-fi films like this, even though in reality they happen frequently and do bugger all.

REGGIE recieves a video conference call from METHOS (an old immortal who we know nothing about). They talk about planetary alignments for a while, ignoring all laws of physics, and generally being very boring. To make up for this, the movie cuts between scenes LIKE A SCHITZOPHRENIC RABBIT ON SPEED.

Meanwhile, ANNA is having visions.

ANNA
Oh, I’m having visions. I should go and find Duncan. It’d be nice if the film took some time to give me a personality, but never mind that.

Meanwhile, ZAI (an immortal who we know nothing about) video-conferences with METHOS, REGGIE and GIOVANNI (a priest immortal with Max Headroom’s hair)

ZAI
I’ve found the source! But the Guardian is coming to kill me!

METHOS
Then run and hide, Zai.

ZAI
No, I will stand and fight. Listen, you must find the Elder, who lives in the old temple. He will tell you where the Source is, despite the fact that I could have told you exactly where it is in just about the same amount of time that it took for me to tell you that.

Suddenly, the GUARDIAN walks in, and the movie turns to total shit.

The GUARDIAN is dressed like a gladiator in a bondage bar. He kills ZAI, by running around him very fast and using hyper-speeded attacks, which make him look like a cross between a bad guy on Dragonball. The AUDIENCE wish that they’d got some cyanide before watching this film.

Because ZAI’S immortal, his death is accompanied by a lightning show, which is the only one actually in this movie. While METHOS, REGGIE and GIOVANNI go to find the Source (clips cut between scenes like SCHITZOPHRENIC RABBIT ON SPEED, remember), DUNCAN watches as the building that ZAI was in simply BLOWS THE FUCK UP.

Still reeling from how utterly awful the last few scenes were, the AUDIENCE watch as DUNCAN explores the burning building wreckage. Predictably, the GUARDIAN pops up.

GUARDIAN (in an annoying, idiotic high-pitched voice)
Hello!

DUNCAN
I’m Duncan McLeod.

GUARDIAN (in an annoying, idiotic high-pitched voice)
“I’m Duncan McLeod, I’m Duncan McLeod, I’m Duncan McLeod”

DUNCAN
Oh, fuck this. You’re not even a creepy or threatening enemy, you’re just bloody annoying.

They proceed to FIGHT. Which essentially involves the GUARDIAN running round and round and round DUNCAN, until some guy called JOE DAWSON turns up and drives over the GUARDIAN with his jeep.

GUARDIAN (in an annoying, idiotic high-pitched voice)
Hello, Joe!
(yelled as he flies backwards after being hit by the car… Yes, the dialogue is THAT bad)

DUNCAN and JOE drive off in the jeep, and decide to hunt for The Source, because that’s what the GUARDIAN was guarding. Meanwhile, ANNA has some more visions, and decides to do the same.

DUNCAN meets METHOS, ANNA and company at YE OLDE CHURCH in the mountains. Inside, they talk to THE ELDER.

ELDER
Hello. Come in. Let me tell you my story.

METHOS
What the fuck happened to you? You’re all blue and squealchey.

ELDER
Several thousand years ago, me and some friends went to search for The Source. We were ‘unworthy’, although how that was decided or what it really means I’m not going to explain. I was cursed, and turned into this giant blubbery reject character.

METHOS
That sucks.

ELDER
I dunno. I got a decent bit part in the movie ‘Blade’.  Anyway, The Source is on this little island somewhere. You should follow Anna, she has visions. Bye now.

The group leave, just in time to see JOE being killed by the GUARDIAN. As he kills him, the GUARDIAN quotes lyrics from QUEEN in his most annoying voice, before running away at Sonic The Hedgehog speed.

DUNCAN
Joe! You can’t die, no!

JOE
It’s too late for me, Duncan.

DUNCAN
No, please no. You were like a father to me.

It’s all very melodramatic, and would work a lot better if the movie had actually made us CARE about any of the characters.

After JOE’S funeral, METHOS picks a fight with DUNCAN for no reason, and then the group bugger off to catch a boat.

When the group arrive on the island, a gang of PYROMANIAC CANNIBALS attack. Which goes to show that any civilization is only a decade away from turning into roaming gangs of pyromaniac cannibals, or something. They FIGHT, and then walk through the mist with their long coats flapping oh-so-dramatically.

AUDIENCE
Is this shit-fest over yet?

The group, guided by ANNA, drive through a forest until they arrive at an old farm house. That night, REGGIE and ANNA talk a bit, and rather than give us any hint about their personalities, they only ramble on about the weather and so on. ANNA gets bored, and buggers off to talk to DUNCAN, who’s her husband in case you forgot, despite the fact she’s said less than thirty words to him so far in the movie.

ANNA
I hope we get to The Source.

DUNCAN
Me too. I hope it will give us some answers about the whole ‘Immortal’ thing.

ANNA
Duncan, I think I still love you.

DUNCAN
I love you too Anna, but every time I love someone, I lose them. Like the woman I ended up in love with at the end of the last movie. She died, y’know? That’s the only time she’s ever mentioned in this movie. I’m not going to say how or why she died, just that she did, which is why I’m here with you instead.

They decide that, in a forest full of pyromaniac cannibals, it’s safe enough to have some WILD OUTDOOR SEX.

Meanwhile, the GUARDIAN shows up and taunts REGGIE.

GUARDIAN (in an annoying, idiotic high-pitched voice)
Hah, I taunt you more in my annoying voice.

The GUARDIAN pulls out his sword (which he keeps hidden in his chest, by the way… don’t ask) and cuts REGGIE up a bit, but DOESN’T cut off his head. The GUARDIAN then zips away.

ANNA
He’s dead.

DUNCAN
It’s okay, he’s immortal. He’ll come back in a minute.

He DOESN’T. He’s dead. They leave his body by the roadside and continue on.

METHOS
So let me get this straight. For some reason, we’re not immortal anymore. Does that even make any sense?

AUDIENCE
Nah, we gave up making sense of this a long time ago.

Suddenly, the group is attacked by the cannibals again. Some are riding motorbikes, others are riding horses. I’ve no idea why. They capture the group and die them up, ready to cook them.

GIOVANNI
This is a test from God!

DUNCAN
Oh, I forgot that guy was with us. He hadn’t said anything for the last half hour.

The GUARDIAN appears and re-captures ANNA, while the cannibals are distracted somehow. We don’t know what the entire bloody massive gang of people are doing while a giant bondage gladiator is rescuing the pretty woman from their dinner, but we just have to believe that it must have been very important. Or that the film’s just really, really shit.

GIOVANNI escapes from the cannibals and runs off towards The Source, leaving METHOS and DUNCAN, who escape a few minutes later.

GIOVANNI runs into the GUARDIAN in the forest, talks about finding The Source being his mission from God, and gets his head cut off. Nobody even cares, because he was boring and had stupid hair. Meanwhile the cannibals chase DUNCAN and METHOS.

METHOS
Duncan, you must go on ahead.

DUNCAN
Fine.

DUNCAN goes on ahead, not bothering to do the whole heroic thing of trying to rescue his ‘friend’ or anything. We never see METHOS again, so we have to assume that he either died or vanished into a hole or something.

Finally, DUNCAN arrives at THE SOURCE, which is a big clearing in the forest with a CG painting of planets in the background. It looks BLOODY STUPID. ANNA is standing on a raised dias, and proceeds to levitate up into THE SOURCE for some reason.

The GUARDIANS pops up from a hole in the ground, spins around at high speeds for a while, and then make more stupid inane comments. He and DUNCAN fight, both rooming around at super high speeds.

DUNCAN
Wow, look at these effects! I’ve not seen special effects of this quality since Mortal Kombat 2!

They both FIGHT more, with big silly flashy green-screen backgrounds zooming past, trying desperately to make the sequence seem even worse than it actually is. Finally, DUNCAN buries the GUARDIAN up to his shoulders in the sand, leaving him stuck, or at very least looking like a cartoon character.

GUARDIAN (in an annoying, idiotic high-pitched voice)
Kill me then, you immortal fuck!
(in yet another display of amazingly skilled dialogue writing)

DUNCAN leaves the GUARDIAN alive and goes into THE SOURCE with ANNA.

They both levitate for a while, spin around, get showered in white light, and…..

ANNA
Duncan, I’m pregnant.

DUNCAN
My son… He is THE ONE!

The film ends. And a bad cover of Queen’s “WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER” plays over the end credits.

AUDIENCE
What… the fuck?

FANS OF THE HIGHLANDER FILMS
That was so awful, it made my eyes bleed.

BILL PANZER, PRODUCER
It was so bad that, after we finished it, I actually died. No, really. This movie killed me.

PETER DAVIES, CO-PRODUCER
Actually, we’re going to ask the editor to recut this movie…

LES HEALEY, EDITOR
There’s nothing I can do with this, Peter. You can’t make a decent movie out of shit like this.

PETER DAVIES, CO-PRODUCER
Wow. I guess we’ve really buggered this up, then. Well, maybe the fans will like it?

THE ONE REMAINING HIGHLANDER FAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
I’m afraid not. You see, when it comes to fans of movies this bad, there can be only NONE.

END.